Hey Mopey, why the long face?
I know, I know, you lost your little playoff series thingy and now you’re all depressed and you think throwing your clammy elbow pads at the janitor will somehow magically make your worries disappear. Well, like lipstick stains on an overnight bag, it doesn’t wash away that easily.
So, you’re depressed; you’re grieving – it’s only natural considering that pathetic “effort” you put up.
Be happy. We can find that smile. It’s in there somewhere. Likely behind one of those ghastly scars.
The real key to surviving this ordeal is in recognizing your own dismal situation and being able to proficiently deal with the consequences (The runny nose? You’re on your own with that one).
If I can help you understand your predicament better, you can be on your road to recovery that much quicker (and save those bullets).
The fabled Kubler-Ross model – GPS included at no extra charge, I believe – maintains that people in your present emotional state cope with these sorts of trauma through a series of five separate emotional defensive mechanisms.
The first stage is Denial.
As hard as you may try, you did lose the playoff series and you did pretty much stink up the joint. Sure, tell yourself it never happened. Deny the results. Challenge the five billion websites out there that have video of your team giving up the winning goal while you were watching that woman in the ninth row spill mustard on herself. You did bellyflop in the worst possible way. It did happen. I have it in high def if you need reminding.
The next stage is Anger.
Yeah, you’re pissed. Your team, on paper, should have run circles around them. Of course you don’t play on paper - unless your game is Xs and Os - and running circles around an opponent is only beneficial if you’re Jeff Gordon or piloting the Space Shuttle.
So go ahead, get angry. Vent. This time hit the janitor with that shin pad. Bullseye.
Feeling better yet?
Next is Bargaining.
Hard as you might try to change the results, they’re really non-negotiable. Sure, phone your opponent. Offer them cars, money, liquor. Up the ante a little. Try licorice. See if they’ll trade places. Likely they won’t. Face it, you’re a real loser – in the competitive sense, that is.
I think I see a smile starting to form.
The fourth stage is Depression.
In effect this could actually be the first stage all over again. I happen to remember you had that pouty little face when we started this whole darned exercise. That either means I’ve screwed up the emotional order somewhat or you’re regressing (come on, put some effort into it).
OK, so you’re all sad and stuff. Feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to make it any better, is it? Yeah right, I forgot about sympathy sex from that hot wife of yours. So there is a pretty nice upside to it. What do you mean she’s not your wife? Man, you athletes...
The final stage is Acceptance.
Along with aforementioned “physical” benefits, you are in good health.
And you’re rich.
And you’re likely going to head to that amazing cottage of yours for the whole month of July. Oh Switzerland? You’re going to Switzerland for the month of July and the cottage for August? How quaint.
Bought a new boat did you?
Oh, and golfing too?
So, a new boat, unlimited golfing, nice teeth, hot wife, loads of money, Switzerland in July and the cottage in August?
Now I’m depressed.
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org