“We now go live to reporter Douglas Pennypecker, who’s standing by, reporting on this breaking story...”
“Yes Jane, in case you haven’t heard, very distressing news coming from Air Senators Flight #2008. We have intercepted a number of mayday signals over the past couple of months and frankly – they’re increasing in both their frequency and urgency...”
“I’m puzzled Doug, I thought everything was going so well...”
“It was Jane. Listen to this excerpt, from the on-board flight recorder, earlier this year...”
Hello everyone and welcome aboard Sen Air 2008. This is Captain Alfredsson speaking. We’re presently cruising at well over 30,000 feet and expecting a nice touchdown shortly at Playoff Field. Feel free to try the complimentary caviar and remember – drinks are always free… Excuse me for a moment while I put my feet up and catch some Zs...
“Hardly seems like imminent danger to me Doug.”
“Everything was fine, Janie girl, but then things started to happen. There was a point earlier when they were without any functioning Heatley or Spezza Valves.”
“Are they important?”
“The Spezza Valve can be pretty noisy at times, but it is vital in staying aloft. Then they had that other problem we’ve heard so much about. Again, this from the flight recorder...”
Hey all. This is Captain Alfredsson again. Sorry about that unplanned barrel roll there. And that sudden drop in altitude. My bad. Turns out we’re having a bit of an issue with a belligerent Emery Plug. Seems we can’t find the darned thing half the time.
“Is the Emery Plug important, Doug?”
“Strangely it was last year. The main problem with Emery Plugs, Jane, is they tend to inflate incredibly over time to the point where they don’t fit into their original position anymore. They’re like corks on steroids.”
“So have they found a way to control the damage caused by the faulty Emery Plug?”
“At first, they counter-acted the problem by compressing the plug and trying to freeze it out. Eventually they decided the best solution was simply using what’s known as the Gerbernator as a replacement.”
“Is that working, Doug?”
“Seems to be holding out Jane, but time will tell. The Swiss might make great watches, but their ability to withstand an onslaught of rubber is still in question.”
“Has Flight 2008 been able to regain altitude and withstand this earlier turbulence?”
“They thought they had. Then, without warning...”
Hey all, Captain Alfie again. About that little incident you just witnessed there. You know about ballast and how for something to stay airborne and aligned you sometimes have to jettison stuff? Well, First Officer Paddock was uh...what do they call it…‘frivolous cargo?’ Don’t worry though, the dude loves diving out of planes at 740 mph. Please now refer to the beverage cart guy as New First Officer Murray.
“So has that been enough to correct the problems?”
“That Jane, remains to be seen. There has been little heard from the troubled flight since that last correspondence. I placed a call to the Air Senators head office a short while ago and was told things are ‘still mighty fine,’ but it was suggested I move my vehicle if it’s anywhere near the runway.”
“Any idea where it might be right now, Douglas?”
“I’m actually standing in the Greater Toronto Area where they are scheduled to land and looking off to my right I believe I see flight 2008 just over the horizon.”
“How’s it look?”
“Well, it’s upside down and has lost a wing and part of the tail and there are flames pouring from the fuselage, but, according to company sources, this is pretty much standard Senators procedure.”
“So, all this is just a false alarm then Doug?”
“It would seem so, but I think I’m still going to move my vehicle... That’s a hell of a lot of smoke...”
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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